darkinferno | [ic inbox]

In other words, you're still helping him on the off-chance that he might be willing to try? That's an awfully big risk.

Are you sure it's worth taking?

who knows? maybe it isn't

but people took risks on me even when i wanted to push them away

even if things never change, i don't think i could forgive myself if i just gave up on him

I see.

Knowing that there's someone out there who would be willing to take that chance on you, who can believe that you're capable of change even when you don't think that you are certainly would make a difference in what you think you can do, wouldn't it?

I wonder why that wasn't more obvious to me before.

huh? what do you mean?

it's not exactly that though, it's more like... there's no reason to care what other people thought because they wouldn't be around anyways. either you'll move and they'll stop contacting you or they'll leave when things get rough

it takes a while before the idea that they WON'T go away sinks in

That's true. However, people can realistically only be expected to put up with so much for so long even if they want to help you... and eventually, those limits become apparent enough to you for you to figure out just how much you can push them until people go away, no matter how determined they are to stay by your side. I know because that's what I've done to others, and that's what he's done to me despite everything I've gone through with him.

What makes people want to keep playing that game? Knowing that it's all just a ruse and has nothing to do with them?

And it's nothing. Don't worry about it.

[ He might have been projecting a little in his last response, but he's sure as hell not going to admit it. He's already said too much as it is, but after a conversation on the network the day before, he can't keep his thoughts to himself any longer. ]

i don't know

[A lie. For him, it's guilt, and he knows it.]

hell, i don't know why people put up with ME, let alone why i'm not giving up on malik yet

Perhaps you don't want to give up on Malik because you see yourself in him, and if other people were able to see something in you that was worth fighting for then you were hoping to find something similar in Malik.

Believe me, I had seen myself in him, too, once... and was determined to stay by his side no matter what as well. Unfortunately, not all of us are so lucky. Without the experience of having other people to put up with me, it was a mission easier said than done.

[ there's a pause between this text and the next - ]

In hindsight, I was foolish.

And in the end, no better than all of the people in my life who had given up on me.

[ oh my god is this what he's been doing to other people all this time?? an epiphany. ]

[There's a little huff of amusement on Dante's side. Huh. Did Bakhura just make some sort of breakthrough based off their conversation? That's unexpected. But at the same time... nice, to know that sharing his experiences was able to help him like this.]

maybe you're right

i'm definitely lucky to have the people around me that i do. i know if i ever need their help, they'll be there for me no matter what it takes

maybe we can both be there for malik, even if he doesn't think he needs anyone backing him up

That must be nice... it's something I would have liked to have had, and it's something I thought I had with Malik when we were still friends. Our interests weren't always the same, but he didn't care that I was a bad kid, or that I wasn't as sweet and friendly as the adults around me wanted to be... he kept hanging out with me no matter how hard I tried to push him away. None of my usual people barriers seemed to work on him.

But maybe what we had was something he ultimately decided to sabotage despite all that because he didn't think he was worthy of it.

I was the same way for the longest time, and to a degree, I still am... but I had made an exception for him because he seemed to have made an exception for me, too, at least at first. Unfortunately, I was wrong. I was letting him in, but that wasn't the case in reverse... so I felt that, for my sake, I had to let him down the same way most of the adults in my life had let me down.

But now I know why they did.

so what are you going to do next?

I'm going to let him make the first move. With the way our relationship ended, I don't think he'd be very receptive to anything else right now.

But I'll meet him halfway if he does.

[It'll be a minute before there's any sort of response from Dante. It seems as though Bakhura's answered all his own questions.

But finally:]

so i'll see you sunday?

Yeah. I'll see you then.

Later.

[ic inbox]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject